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Sméagol and Frodo – Not a love story

Gollum was now Sméagol. He had agreed to help the Master, the one called Frodo even though he was a Bagginses! The Fat one called Sam was suspicious of him but he would soon prove that he was on there side. For now anyway. He needed to get back the precious! It was around the Masters neck but still it called to him. It was really annoying actually. He’d been alive for like four hundred years because of the precious and now it was still keeping him alive with his desire to get it back. In fact, he wished he could be ride of it. Now he had a plan to get it back.

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Plan A was genius. He was going to offer a swap. He’d been on Middleearth.net and seen the perfect thing it was a Diamond Eternity Ring that he’d found on the website at https://www.comparethediamond.com/diamond-eternity-rings. There was loads of choice and he’d seen a pretty funky one. The plan was to wait until the master was feeling a bit woozy, probably when a Nazgul flapped by and then say, “See Master! Sméagol have nice gift for you! Why we not do swap and I has nasty old gold ring that will make you invisible and give you access to unlimited power over all the races of Middle earth and probably beyond it. I is talking the Blessed Realm here. Look see it is shiny with a nice shiny rock in it? Sméagol is robbing himself blind, so he is?” Sméagol didn’t realise it but in any alternative Universe there was his other self Simone Gollumstern who was a very good used car salesman. He was pretty sure the Fat Hobbit would go for it, especially if he pointed out who many bags of nasty chips he could buy with it.

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Plan B was riddles again. He was pretty sure that the Hobbits had absolutely nothing in their pockets this time round if they tried that trick again. In fact, Sméagol had a check every night whilst they were sleeping the dirty cheaters. GOLLUM! GOLLUM! Oops. He needed to rain that in. He was pretty sure that the riddles thing would work this time as he’d had 71 years to think about it since the nasty Bilbo had taking it, stole it from us he did GOLLUM! Aah! Chill Sméagol. Breathe. Good that’s better. He had a few doozies this time. He’d also looked at some lateral thinking ones like “A man parachutes dead in the middle of a field but he walks away. How?” And “There are 3 pieces of coal and a carrot in a field. Why?” There were winners.

Plan C and D. Lure them to be eaten by a big spider that he knew and if that failed bite his finger off right when he was about to chuck into Mount Doom. Sorted.

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